Movie Commentary: Star Wars I

Here we go, episode I. Where it all started. At least, I’m assuming that. I don’t actually know. Note that there will be spoilers.

This episode starts with the usual wall of text. Jedi knights are alive and well and there are skirmishes they have to go control, is my understanding. I guess they’re kind of like a galactic police force?

There are two people who I’m assuming are a jedi master and apprentice. The apprentice has this little ponytail at the back of his head that looks funny. I really don’t think it suits him. It looks like someone just stuck it there with glue.

There’s also a silver female C3PO. She’s rather pretty. Funny, because I don’t think C3PO is pretty.

Qualms about legality. “I will make it legal.” So menacing. Oh, evil leader just ordered the death of the two jedis. So sad. I do think that all this hostile action is rather uncalled-for. I wonder how they survived being gassed like that. Do jedis have the ability to hold their breath for a really long time? Is this a thing?

Aaaand fight! Bzzzzzz bzzzzz is the sound the light sabre makes. Ooh, they’re good. The long hair of the master becomes him much better than the sad ponytail of the padawan. All I can think of, as the leaders are watching what’s happening on video, is that you’d think that with all this technology they have (droids, spaceships, etc.), they’d be able to build better video cameras that aren’t full of static. Maybe it’s like our technology and printers. Technology keeps advancing while printers seem to never improve over being loud, noisy, and prone to running out of cyan ink even though you never use it.

Okay, now that queen looks like a queen. Not like Princess Leia and her cheese pies. I wonder why these gray things want to attack her planet.

I swear, in this series, every ship has a completely different architecture. Some are circles, some are T’s, some are airplanes, and I’m pretty sure one looked like a gun. Oughtn’t there to be some kind of standardization? Some shape that’s best? I don’t understand all the variation. I’m pretty sure that ship is shaped like an anvil. Seriously, what is this noisy video transmission? They have got to improve it.

Jar Jar Binks is introduced! I’m not entirely sure if Jar Jar is male or female…That’s a very high voice for a male and those flowing garments look totally feminine. Also, wow, not helpful at all. “The safest place you can go is my city. It is a hidden city. I cannot take you there because I am not helpful.”

What are those things they’re putting in their mouths? Do they allow them to breathe underwater? Do they just carry those around all the time? And if they can just hold their breaths for a very long time, why not just do that?

Interesting-looking city. Buildings look like giant transparent jack-o-lanterns. Um, so they were just in water and then oozed into a building whose walls are made of some kind of semi-permeable membrane, and yet aren’t wet at all? Is it because the membrane prevents all water from going through? That would be very convenient for drying off after a shower or a swim.

So Jar Jar’s their navigator and yet he was banished because he was clumsy. Not sure this is going to end well…

That is an UGLY fish. And wtf do fish even have tongues? It’s like a frog fish shrimp thing. And it just got eaten by a bigger fish. Ah, the wonders of the food chain. It’s like Magic School Bus all over again.

That’s a really beautiful city. Reminds me of Venice.

Those little robots are like a maintenance crew! That’s so cute. Yay, R2 or whatever looks like R2 saved the shield.

Darth Maul has an interesting mask. But why does he wear a mask? Is it because he wants to look impressive? Maybe he has a baby face and won’t look dangerous enough without the mask.

The queen is “curious” about the planet? She seems a bit spoiled to me, not to say imprudent. Poor handmaiden. I feel like something bad is going to happen to her. Cute little boy. Something’s probably going to happen to him too. Oh! That’s Anakin! He’s adorable. This pouty little thing is going to become Darth Vader? Oh my.

I wonder why jedi mind control doesn’t work on the parts seller.

Anakin built C3PO? This is news to me. What a plot twist! Does Anakin’s mom not teach him not to talk to strangers? Or at least not to bring random strangers into their home? Seems like negligent parenting to me.

Oh, wait. Darth Maul isn’t wearing a mask. It’s face paint. Must be a bother to have to wash off.

Aw, Anakin’s going to help them. Such a sweet child. I really don’t condone gambling, though. But I s’pose there’s no way around it. Ah! He’s been identified as someone that would make a good jedi. And…his mum is like the virgin Mary? Is there where the whole religion thing comes into play?

All the other kids are expressing scepticism in Anakin’s pod. Will it work? Will it run? Will he win? Oh, the suspense. It’s working! Anakin wants to explore the stars. “I wanna be the first one to see ’em all.” He sounds like Ash. Surprised he didn’t whip out a Stardex.

OHHH the apprentice is Obi-Wan. I’m not sure if this is the first time that he’s been named or if I just wasn’t paying attention earlier. It all makes sense now.

Wow, he’s just betting on the boy? Not for the mother? Poor mother. She’s going to be so left out. And oh my, that’s a pretty little bit of jedi cheating right there. Wonder if the Force approves.

Ew, giant slug. I wonder if giant slugs age since he looks the same as in the later/earlier movies. Are episodes 4, 5, and 6 considered earlier or later than 1? I’m really not sure. The racers are revving up! So suspenseful! I feel a bit like Jar Jar and want to cover my eyes and say “me no watchy” but that would rather defeat the purpose of watching the movie so I’ll have to bear it. All I can think of while I watch the race is that snail movie, Turbo. “That snail is fast, that snail is fast, that snail is fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.”

I don’t even understand those random thing are shooting at the racers. What do they get from it? Do they work for someone? Are they just having fun? Target practice?

Yay, he won. Though I’m sure we all knew that from the beginning.

Aw, the poor flying bug thing. He’s so sad,  he lost everything. Though oughtn’t he to have won prize money or something? I feel so bad for him.

I don’t know why the kid just asked his mom if he can go. His mom is the one that asked the jedi dude if he could go with him. Not the brightest, if you ask me. Oh, the poor mother. She’s all alone now.

Look at Anakin, already making headway with the ladies. Compliments, gifts, this boy’s such a sweet-talker. Wonder if he’ll grow up to be a player.

The queen changed clothes. Not sure when she had time to do that or why it was necessary to change. Her outfit looks vaguely Japanese. I like this white dress better than the black one from before because that just looked like she was going to a funeral. And okay, wow, the senate is useless. Even more than regular government. If I were the queen I would throw something at that senator.

The jedi dude looks a little like Aragorn. Sounds like him too.

Not entirely sure why the queen is going back to her planet. To die? Can she even be useful there? Wouldn’t she be more useful as their voice in the senate?

Why does age even matter for the jedi? Does it really matter that the boy’s too old? Too old for what, even? Poor boy.

The queen’s handmaidens wear these orange caps that make it very  hard for them to see, I think. I’m pretty sure it obstructs their peripheral vision and also prevents them from looking upward. Very impractical.

When in trouble, Jar Jar’s people go to the “sacred place.” Apparently not very sacred if Jar Jar can just take them there no problem. Then again, it’s Jar Jar. Mightn’t have the best sense of propriety. As a side note, I wonder if the queen ever gets tired of her elaborate headgear. Must be heavy.

Wait, what. The queen was actually a decoy? Plot twist! DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

And now…WAR.

Why did they even bring the boy with them? Why not leave him in a safe place somewhere else instead of bringing him to a dangerous place and then tell him to find a safe place? So counter-intuitive.

Taking a break from the regularly scheduled programming to say: R2 is the cutest. And now we return.

LOL Jar Jar. Such fail.

Enter Darth Maul. All that makeup must have been a huge hassle. And horns. Why does he have horns? Oh, double bladed light sabre! Fancy. Why does everybody like fighting on narrow platforms without fences with killer drops? Have these architects never heard of safety factors?

Oh, no! Qui-Gon! D: So sad.

Looks like everybody all over is surrendering. Stupid trade gray alien. The queen should have slapped him. Wait, what. ANOTHER DECOY? I’m so confused. WHICH ONE IS THE REAL QUEEN.

Yeah, yeah! Obi-Wan go! Get him! Yeah! BREAK HIS LIGHT SABRE IN HALF, THAT’S RIGHT. Try kicking him, Darth Maul? WELL, TOO BAD BECAUSE OBI-WAN CAN DO SOMERSAULTS.

Yeah, little boy! Break those droids! Run them over! BREAK THE SHIP APART. Though I wonder what will happen to Obi-Wan…

TAKE THAT, DARTH MAUL. GET CUT IN HALF JUST LIKE YOUR LIGHT SABRE. WOO OBI-WAN. Though poor Qui-Gon. 😦

Poor parting words for Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon’s last words were about Anakin. Nothing for the apprentice that he trained for so long. Not even a goodbye or an “I’m proud of you.”

Wow, the chancellor looks so pompous. And he didn’t even do anything!

OMG ANAKIN LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE BABY OBI-WAN.

And then the queen gives a big orb to the leader of the Jar Jar Binks people and everybody’s happy.

The end.

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2 thoughts on “Movie Commentary: Star Wars I

  1. I loved this commentary like the others!

    1. Different planets, different styles of ships.
    2. Jar Jar is a dude.
    3. I don’t think they can hold their breaths that long. On the ship, it was only for a short time.
    4. LOOOL @ Stardex and Ash reference.
    5. Episode 1 takes place before Episode 4. About 32 years before.
    6. Which Jedi looks like Aragorn? Don’t remember this!

    Like

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