Movie Commentary: Star Wars IV

I’m on a train and I’m watching Star Wars, episode 4. I’ve never watched any of the Star Wars movies before (don’t judge me!) until the latest one came out and Heming wanted to see it. It got me interested so now I’m watching the first six, starting with IV.

I tend to like commenting on movies as I watch them (it’s what makes me terrible to watch movies with) and was writing to the Iron Dragons execs, but Desmond got annoyed so I’m going to make it into a blog post instead.

Below you will see my running commentary. If any questions arise that you feel you can answer, please do so as there are many things I don’t understand. I might as well mention SPOILER ALERT but I’m pretty sure I’m the only person ever that hasn’t seen Star Wars yet so I don’t think it matters too much.

Do his aunt and uncle die here? Oh, I guess they do. Those skeletons are so gross. Wow, Luke is so unfeeling. He just looked at them and that was it. Did he even care?

Han Solo looked exactly the same as he does now. How does he understand all those languages? How does anybody understand all these languages? Do they learn them in school? Ewwww, he shot the alien.

Okay, wow, those drones are dumb. “Door’s locked, move on to the next one”? Easiest way to hide ever.

C3PO is really mean to R2D2. R2’s really cute.

Uh-oh, ominous-looking person in a cloak is following them. And…he has a beak?

OMG that is a huge slug.

Oh…the troopers are coming. And not in the good, eagle kinda way. Ah, I see, Beaky was a spy. Not really important, though, it seems. The good guys got away, so all is well.

Ugh, my train is delayed by 25 minutes. Train congestion. I didn’t even know that was a thing.

It’s like Leia’s wearing two cinnamon bun?s on her head. It must be really annoying to do. I wonder if she has a hairdresser or if she does it herself. Poor planet. It looked just like Earth. She ought to have expected them to blow it up, though. Obviously she didn’t watch enough movies as a kid. Oh! “Great disturbance in the force.” So that’s where that quote comes from.

The game that they’re playing looks like Dead or Alive.

The old man sounds so offended that Leia lied to them. And yet he blew up her planet. What a guy.

I don’t understand why their ship got pulled in to the space station. Was it its gravity? Some Force mumbo-jumbo? Electromagnetism? Seriously, these drones are not good at finding people. It also seems like they came out of hiding way too quickly. What if someone just popped their head in again to check? Not the most cautious, I see. Man, Luke seems so needy. Always wants to be involved in everything. I hope Ben doesn’t die. I wonder why he has two names. Where did Obi Wan come from.

LOL “She’s rich.” Ah, Luke, persuading Han Solo to rescue Leia. I’m really not sure what C3PO’s role in life is other than to act as R2D2’s translator. What is that mini robot? A vacuum cleaner? It looks like a roomba.

I think Darth Vader senses Ben.

Gunfire! Gunfire everywhere! Pew pew! Pewpewpewpewpewpew! Smoke! Shoot a light! Pew pew! Shoot another light! Look out! Shoot the guy! Shoot more lights! Shoot all the lights! ALL THE LIGHTS. I don’t know why they hit so many lights.Wouldn’t it just make it harder to see?

“I must face him alone.” I wonder if these are ego issues that Darth Vader has or if there actually is a good reason. Why do all evil people want to face their nemeses alone? Wouldn’t it make more sense to go in large force? Just seems imprudent to me.

Ew, garbage. And nobody should ever say “could be worse.” They should know that as soon as they say that, it’s going to get worse. Ew ew ew. What is that. That is the grossest eyeball ever. Also ew Luke pretty much just dove into the garbage water.

You know, it seems to me that this ship has rather a faulty security system since an intruding robot can just walk in and find out everything about it by plugging into a random port.

In all this time it’s a wonder nobody’s realized that they’re in the garbage chute. When the gunfire stopped, did the troopers not go investigate? Did they not see the giant hole blasted into the garbage chute? Could they not have looked down and seen them? What are their commanders teaching them.

I hope Ben doesn’t die.

Um, why are the troopers running away from Han Solo? Shouldn’t they be running after him? Oooh I see, they were running to their friends. Yeah, Han’s running away now. All’s right again.

If I were Leia and Luke right now, I would be thinking fml long jump. I suck at long jump. And heights too? The worst. Why does this gap even exist? What is its purpose? I think the architect got lazy and forgot about putting in a bridge here. How can a door frame even offer that much cover? It’s a door frame! It’s barely a few inches thick.

Did she just kiss him? Such an unromantic kiss too. I feel like that would distract him more than anything else. Probably not the best time to do that, Princess!

Close the blast doors! Open the blast doors! Control manager must be getting annoyed.

Ah, and here we see Darth Vader and Ben meet. This fight is rather less active than I imagined it would be, but then again, Ben’s pretty old and Darth Vader’s on life support so it may be the best they can do. What are these troopers, schoolchildren? Are they just excited to watch the fight? Bit irresponsible, abandoning their posts like that.

What. Ben just disappeared?

Wow, Luke. Way to draw attention to yourself.

Aaand off they go. You know, the Millennium Falcon’s supposed to be fast, but it’s basically a flat circle. I don’t think that’s a very aerodynamic shape. Just saying.

I wonder if Ben’s dead.

I wonder if they get dizzy or sick from spinning around like that on those chairs while firing. Seems to me like it isn’t the best design.

Oh, C3PO, what are you doing. How did you even get tangled up like that.

Oooh, homing beacon. Sneaky. Ah, at least Leia’s smart. Look at Han, trying to show off in front of her. Cute. And Luke, so innocent. Oh, and jealous. Ahaha, Han, shot down by Luke. “You think a princess and a guy like me-” “No.” Nice, Luke. Hm, if Leia thinks they’re being tracked, why is she just letting it happen? Never mind, not smart at all.

Where did Luke even learn how to be a pilot? And is it that easy, just walk into the rebel hideout and start working right away? Lovely, fast employment.

Does Luke not get suspicious at Ben’s voice in his head? Does this not seem weird at all? And they’re moving in to the Death Star. So exciting! I wonder what “Red Leader” and “Gold Leader” signify. What do the colours mean?

Pew! Pew! Pewpewpewpew! I really like this fight. They should have more of these fighter scenes. Five minutes to go! Counting down.

Ah, overconfident leader. Not escaping when he has the chance. He’ll live to regret that decision, I’m sure. And then he’ll probably die.

And hit! Yay. Oh, wait. False alarm. Makes sense. Luke needs to be the hero because that’s how movies work.

I wonder why Luke’s the only one with a droid? How come the others don’t get droids?

“Use the force, Luke!” Even I knew this. He’s a bit of a slow learner, isn’t he? Oh, “the force is strong with this one.” Found another quote!

Oh, poor R2. He’s hit. 😦

Hm, you’d think since they knew when the rebel base would be in range, they could prepare ahead of time and do all the prep work before they were actually in range so they could figure right away. Now they’re just delayed and it’s just not efficient.

Han Solo to the rescue! I knew he’d come back. It’s how movies work.

Aaaaaand BOOM. That was rather fast.

Leia’s hairstyle changed, wrapped around her head instead of double pinwheels. This one’s more queenly and less Sailor Moon meets Greek cheese pie.

Yay everybody gets medals and R2 is fixed. Everybody’s happy.

The end.

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5 thoughts on “Movie Commentary: Star Wars IV

  1. As promised, answering (some of) your questions!

    1. Yes, Luke’s aunt and uncle die. Rather unpleasantly.
    2. Don’t know how he knows all the languages.
    3. It’s called a tractor beam (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tractor_beam)
    4. Ben Kenobi = Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan is his real name.
    5. Darth Vader has a bone to pick with Obi-Wan. When you watch all the movies, you’ll understand why.
    6. I’ve always wondered why they don’t just start shooting into the garbage chute too.
    7. Don’t ask me about the architecture of the Death star…
    8. Pretty sure Luke trusts Obi-Wan’s voice and isn’t suspicious since he knows Obi-Wan was a Jedi and has powers that he (for the moment) can’t fully understand, but he trusts.
    9. Red and Gold are just different squadrons. Each served a different purpose in the fight (first wave, second wave).

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    • 4. They don’t explain (in this movie, at least) why he has two names.
      8. I’d at least have been startled if I were him. Plus, isn’t he very new at this? Hasn’t he only been introduced to everything in a few hours? Seems rather sudden to immediately be like “yeah, everything’s chill.”

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  2. Essentially after the events of Episode III Obi-Wan needed to go into hiding, and took on the alias ‘Ben’ to make himself harder to find. Don’t know why he didn’t take on a new last name also…

    I guess Obi-Wan had enough of an influence on him during their short time together for Luke to be able to trust everything that goes on.

    Liked by 1 person

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